Ok I been having this persistant problem, and I realy want to get over it. But the last few years I still find myself getting pissed off over a shitty relationship I had. There are 2 instances this happened. and both relationships were pretty crappy, emotionally draining and realy I shouldnt have got in to them or just got out quick.
But I dont know how to get over them, I still find myself thinking we they might be what are they upto. Also I still find myself heavily avoiding any areas these peopl may go incase I see them. and its not how I want to live my life. I figured the difference between these 2 people and other relationships were, I took these 2 too seriously. which I have balanced.
But Im still finding myslef thinking about them, worrying. Is there any angle on looking at problems like this?
Thanks
James
Re: Getting over a shit Relationship
Posted On Dec 11, 2007 at 9:18 AM
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TomVizzini
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Joined: Dec 11, 2003 Last Visit: Dec 4, 2008 Posts: 123 e-Points: 109
That is your problem.....it is like never washing your clothes because you feel bad for the dirt. You have to have a formal ending of the relationship. Because you never end it, the skining attachment is still there.
Pick one person and formally end the relationship even if it is that you just decide that they are out and never confront them.
Tom
Re: Getting over a shit Relationship
Posted On Dec 12, 2007 at 7:43 PM
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jamesc
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That is your problem.....it is like never washing your clothes because you feel bad for the dirt. You have to have a formal ending of the relationship. Because you never end it, the skining attachment is still there.
Pick one person and formally end the relationship even if it is that you just decide that they are out and never confront them.
Tom
Thats very true.
The thing with relationships that I have easily got over, and ones I haven't. Are I have Just "let the other go"
I haven't with these. Hmmmm
So just 3dmind my ability to let things and people go. Im going to do that any interesting angles of in ?
Thanks
James
Re: Getting over a shit Relationship
Posted On Dec 13, 2007 at 12:47 PM
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daveforis
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Joined: Dec 19, 2003 Last Visit: Nov 5, 2008 Posts: 10 e-Points: 9
C'mon, James. You gotta stop the excuses, and you gotta start noticing this one. Your goal should be to get over them. Do like Tom said: pick one. Now the next step is to ask yourself "What gets in the way of getting over this one person." Again, you have to go at this with the intent to get over them and let it go. You've been spending all your time trying to feel better about things without moving on. There is no special angle to approach this. Just face the fact that you have to let this all go, set letting ONE of these relationships go as your goal and ask what gets in the way.
Or if you REALLY want another angle, what does holding onto one (again, only work on ONE at a time) of these relationships allo you to avoid feeling?
Dave
Re: Getting over a shit Relationship
Posted On Dec 30, 2007 at 11:53 AM
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jamesc
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Ok one thing I have found out that applies in both these cases and in a lot of other areas of my life. When some one does some thing wrong to me I have a hard time letting it go. For month or even years afterwards Im still fuming and huffing and puffing about whats happened.
Its as if some how letting people get away with it, or just letting it go with out making it right, some how fucks me up and is realy pain full.
Also it what set these 2 relationships apart, were they did some thing to hurt me, and that made me some how unable to let them go. What a fucked up mind trap.
When I realised this is was a relay big piece
Thanks
James
Re: Getting over a shit Relationship
Posted On Jan 5, 2008 at 11:41 AM
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TomVizzini
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I kinda know that the answer to your qquestion to be yes.
But here is what I got.
If I get revenge, like with one relationship I was getting walked over. and it troubled me for a while after leaving it then one day she saw me hanging round with this girl who was much hotter I wasnt seeing this girl we were just friend but I let her think I was. that night she was on the phone crying and asking who it was. To me that proved i didnt deserve it and it proved she was just trying to control me. and that relationship never bothered me since.
but with these other 2. with one I know doing the same would make me feel better. With the other its not about that. but "revenge" would make me feel better. im not taling about anything nasty here. but getting even is certainly a clue for me. Like both these girl have walked over me or tried to bring me down in some way.
A while back I had a profound balance with balancing "Im a doormat"
but if someone was too do some thing to me and I do nothing I tear myself up inside. Which is stupid cause if im going to go through life things people are going to be shitty with me. and I need to learn to deal with it.
That 2 week challenge seminar hit me on so many level Im like
Thanks
James
Re: Getting over a shit Relationship
Posted On Jan 7, 2008 at 10:28 AM
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TomVizzini
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OK let's look at this. When you get revenge you then feel better. The problem is that in the next relationship you still had the problem and still needed revenge to get over it.
What gets in the way of you just knowing that you don't deserve to be treated that way without using revenge to overpower it?
Tom
Re: Getting over a shit Relationship
Posted On Jan 7, 2008 at 12:56 PM
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jamesc
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I was in so much pain I was judging myself and say why am I in so much pain over one person.
Instead of just accepting it.
Thanks
James
Re: Getting over a shit Relationship
Posted On Jan 8, 2008 at 3:29 AM
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branimir
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Joined: Jul 24, 2005 Last Visit: Nov 23, 2008 Posts: 30 e-Points: 17 Location: Istanbul View All Posts By branimir
I really should check the forum more frequently from now on. Its getting better and better .
James dude,
You probably know I had the same thing happen to me. Only it was a 4 year relationship I got out of. Now I had a time of hell for a couple of days but then I started thinking about how I could get out of it.
First, in the 3dmind sense, I've got a few questions,
First what exactly do you mean by someone doing you wrong? Give me a couple examples in your life where that happened.
Second What is true about your identity, when you realize someone does you wrong?
Now onto my own experience,
How did I get over this girl that I loved so much?
I was still in my shitty self help stage just like you so, I didnt bear much chance succeeding in getting a new girlfriend which usually shifts your attention and feelings from the old girl to the other. Its really cool. I tried it with a more recent girl I had a crush on. We went out for a couple of weeks and we didnt really like each other. But that doesnt happen with my beliefs. They started killing me like this girl was a 4 year old girlfriend. What I did is I went out with my friends and really focused on new girls they brought and actually started caring about one girl and that put the other girl in the past. Its like if all you have is one car than you will be sad if you crash it and its obsolete , but if you are getting a new car everyday you will certainly forget the older burnt one sooner or later.
How did I get over the initial relationship? I decided it is time to end this connection proactively. How did I decide? I took a piece of paper and thought about the times we were together and on one side I wrote: The reasons why I should break up with her: At first I had a hard time but than things got rolling and I really realized how many wrong attitudes and behaviors this girl had. Basicly she acted like a slut and I didnt realize till that point in time. Doing this really convinced me that it will be over.
The second part was Finding the reasons how moving on will be much better. This part was also a blast. And really convinced me to move on. One of the reasons was, I am so young yet and this will give me the chance to meet new girls and know new people and enrich my life as much as possible , instead of getting stuck in one relationship and turning my life into a monotonous one just to get safety. That thrilled me.
The first step is convincing yourself and making a decision James. What I write above will help you out with it if you do it. Than comes commitment. Many times you will find yourself thinking of the breakups out of habit. At these times there were 2 things I did. First go through the list of the things above in my mind. (Dont read them from the paper because you need to recall them from your own brain for them to be effective, it will reinforce the connections when you access it yourself)
The second is simply being able to avoid it and go do something else when you find yourself thinking about it. Just remind yourself its over and that you decided you will end it and back your statement up by moving your mind off that topic. If it persists think about your list again to get force from there.
The third part in this will be COURAGE. This means after your initial recovery you will go out and meet other girls. Plus You will actively search for those old girls and go where they go. Your emotional attachments will most probably have loosened and allmost dissolved by now. You will go after them to get out of your comfort zone and break those boundaries. You will feel much powerful by then so dont worry it will be easy. I did it. I even talked with her for 2 hours and realized that she didnt do any of these things I did. She was where I left her . She actually started being the drama queen as usual but my connection wasnt there so I didnt respond, I responded calmly as a friend. She wanted to start again.
NO WAY!!! You are the cutest of girls bla bla bla but lets not talk about this again. I will be by your side as a friend whenever you need it. Was my reaction.
Dude Decide, Commit, and then be Brave. This is what it takes.
If my post puzzles you tell me about it and I will simplify it for you.
Take care,
Harun
Re: Getting over a shit Relationship
Posted On Jan 9, 2008 at 4:03 PM
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jamesc
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Joined: Oct 24, 2004 Last Visit: Nov 24, 2008 Posts: 33 e-Points: 58
OK let's look at this. When you get revenge you then feel better. The problem is that in the next relationship you still had the problem and still needed revenge to get over it.
What gets in the way of you just knowing that you don't deserve to be treated that way without using revenge to overpower it?
Tom
Because I thats the way people are I suppose, it not them its me.
Re: Getting over a shit Relationship
Posted On Jan 14, 2008 at 10:09 AM
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TomVizzini
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Joined: Dec 11, 2003 Last Visit: Dec 4, 2008 Posts: 123 e-Points: 109
Let me offer you a thought. revenge keeps someone else in control of you.
Even after you get revenge, you still might bee stuck with the attachment to them.
The truth is more often that you fucked up by either letting someone in your life that did not belong there in the first place or by letting someone treat you in a certain way without standing up for yourself.
In either case it was you that made the mistake. Revenge will not fix that.
Make sense?
So here is what you should do. Tell me the drivers of why you need revenge.
Tom
Re: Getting over a shit Relationship
Posted On Jan 21, 2008 at 4:30 PM
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jamesc
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Joined: Oct 24, 2004 Last Visit: Nov 24, 2008 Posts: 33 e-Points: 58
I have done soe balances on this problem. and got a whole new light on it.
here are a few things I have learnt
First the reason I went back to these relationships and and clung on to them was basically because it was the easiest option. (LOL oh boy was that a realisation)
I see this more and more everyday now, my focus previously was on what was the easiest way to solve this. Now its more about creativity or doing some think different or better. Especially in setting up a business. I been thinking about different ways in which I cn sell the same product.
Also I went out the other day, and had this weird realisation, that the feeling im avoiding is just a projection. I actally dont know how Im going to feel.
I have created this feeling responce and because I have ground it into myself so well Im going to end up making it happen. It a realy clever mind trap.
So my focus is on getting rid of that now.
Thinking about it know there is a belif that I have may be bullshit it was all my fault what happened and "I made them reject me"
Also I have been noticingmore of my mental "blabber" and I have noticed several things I keep saying/picturing. "people are staring a me" or "people are laughing at me"
These things are effecting my level of enthuasism when going to connect or interact with people.
This is anouther thing I have noticed I was never interested in talking to people or put no effort in to it. because it wasnt the easiest option.
The one thing I have noticed about people who get better results than me, is they put in more effort and they just "go for it" they actually try and when it fucks up they dont take it personally.
Thanks
James
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You are the cutest of girls bla bla bla but lets not talk about this again. I will be by your side as a friend whenever you need it. Was my reaction. 
